Table of Contents:
- The Patriarchal & Heteronormative History of Wedding Traditions
- Why Choose Gender Neutral Wedding Traditions?
- 13 Gender Neutral, Queer-Friendly Wedding Tradition Alternatives
We all probably know by now that sooo many of the customary traditions we see at weddings are VERY heteronormative, patriarchal, and honestly just… outdated. A ton of them are rooted in history that many modern couples just don’t agree with anymore, or cultures that didn’t welcome any type of relationships outside of the heterosexual norm.
So today, I’m diving into 15 common wedding traditions, the history behind them, and how you can adapt them to be gender neutral and/or queer-friendly. Because YOU deserve a meaningful wedding day that feels heartfelt, authentic, and representative of you & your unique love!
The Patriarchal & Heteronormative History of Wedding Traditions
Wanna take a guess at what’s behind a majority of customary wedding traditions that favor heteronormative relationships? Hint: it’s the same thing that’s responsible for most of the problems we face in today’s society… the patriarchy!!
If you’ve seen a wedding tradition done over and over at every wedding you’ve attended, chances are it probably has origins in a culture with pretty patriarchal values – values that often don’t feel aligned or genuine for modern couples, or reflective of their relationship. Some of the customs we’ve held onto have been around for thousands of years, since the days of ancient Rome or the Victorian Era… others for only a century or less.
But a lot of them have one thing in common: they don’t account for any type of relationship that breaks the bounds of heterosexuality. They ALSO don’t account for even heterosexual couples where partners play more equal roles in the relationship!
This is because, in the early days of marriage, women were simply considered the property of their husbands. Marriage wasn’t even a contract between a wife and her husband, but between the husband and the patriarch of the woman’s household (i.e., a father, older brother, uncle, etc.)! Weddings were about literally “giving away the bride,” so most of the traditions we know and… hate?… reflect that.
Luckily, wedding traditions have evolved in a huge way in recent years, and more and more couples are opting to either adapt traditions to fit their own relationship/beliefs/values, pick only the traditions that feel right to them, or toss tradition completely out the window.
Whatever you choose to do, no matter WHO you love or HOW you identify, you have the right to celebrate in your own unique way – and that’s what this blog post is all about!
Why Choose Gender Neutral Wedding Traditions?
There are so many reasons why a couple might opt for more gender neutral wedding traditions on their wedding day!
Queer couples often choose gender neutral wedding traditions because the typical, heteronormative ones are super exclusionary… and the last thing you want to feel is EXCLUDED from your very own wedding day. Wedding traditions come with sooo much gendered language and so many gendered expectations. So by choosing more gender-neutral options, both partners can feel welcomed, affirmed, and celebrated no matter their gender identity!
Heteronormative or hetero-presenting couples might also choose gender neutral wedding traditions if they don’t feel that the conventional gender stereotypes fit them! Plenty of modern couples are much more progressive nowadays when it comes to gender roles in romantic relationships, and the old-fashioned customs don’t feel authentic to them, either – even though they appear to fit the “traditional” heteronormative label.
Opting for gender neutral wedding tradition alternatives is also a really beautiful way to make your wedding guests and wedding party feel included, especially if you have loved ones who you know don’t identify with traditional gender norms. Using gender-neutral language in your invitations, on your wedding website, and in your day-of timeline can help make sure everyone feels welcome!
Every couple is completely unique, and there are no right or wrong choices here. You can pick and choose the traditions that make sense to you, create your own new ones, or adapt outdated customs to fit YOU. Speaking of adapting traditions… let’s get into 15 gender neutral, queer-friendly alternatives to common wedding traditions!
13 Gender Neutral, Queer-Friendly Wedding Tradition Alternatives
1. Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties
Fun fact: bachelor and bachelorette parties started all the way back in ancient Sparta! They’ve become a rite of passage for couples before their wedding day arrives, and actually used to serve different purposes for men and women (shocker): Spartan soldiers would gather with the man to toast to his upcoming marriage, and women would often make sacrifices to Artemis – the goddess of chastity and fertility. Since then, they’ve turned into parties to send off couples and serve as “one last hurrah” before the big day!
If you don’t align with the gendered terms of “bachelor” and “bachelorette,” or you’re simply not vibing with the themes of chastity and fertility that bachelorette parties stem from, here are some other options.
Gender Neutral Alternatives:
—Host a combined party with all of your friends/family
—Call them “Bach” parties to remove the gendered language
2. Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Blue
Did you know this one stems from a 19th-century English rhyme? The “Something Blue” part of it is actually thought to reflect fidelity and purity in some Victorian-era cultures, sooo even that innocent little phrase has some not-so-great symbolism tied to it. You could either scrap it altogether if you don’t really care about this tradition or just replace all the “somethings” with your own creative ideas!
Gender Neutral Alternative:
Something… rainbow! Colorful! Sentimental! Passed down! Heirloom! Anything goes as long as you love it!
3. The Aisle Reveal
It’s a pretty well-known fact that the traditional aisle reveal of the bride comes from the custom of arranged marriages, when marriages were purely transactional. It was believed that seeing the bride any earlier could impact negotiations tied to the bride price in the contract, so basically if a groom saw the bride earlier and didn’t like how she looked… he might have second thoughts and want to renegotiate with her father. Orrr back out of the agreement entirely. Ick.
Gender Neutral Alternative:
Have a pre-ceremony first look, or get ready together so you’re with each other all day!
4. White Dresses
Wedding dresses didn’t always use to be white – in ancient times, people simply used to wear their best clothing! After Queen Victoria wore a white dress to her wedding in the 19th century, white dresses turned into a show of wealth and status… then quickly became moralized as a symbol of purity before the wedding day, especially in the US. White was also popular because it used to look good in old black and white or sepia-toned photography!
I actually put together a WHOLE blog post where I share a bunch of Nontraditional + Gender Nonconforming Wedding Outfit Ideas, from androgynous wedding suits to unique dresses, pantsuits, vest/trouser combos, and MORE. Check it out if you’re looking for gender neutral or nontraditional wedding attire inspo to save to your Pinterest board!
Gender Neutral Alternative:
Colorful, patterned dresses that fit your personality – or no dress at all!
5. Bridal Bouquets
Why does only one partner traditionally get to hold a bouquet, and the other gets stuck with a measly boutonniere? Actually, I know why – in the past, brides held bouquets to ward off evil spirits and ensure fertility. Soooo many fertility-related traditions…
If you’re spending your money on gorgeous flowers, why not get beautiful bouquets for the both of you?! Have your florist design either matching bouquets, or slightly different ones that complement each other using the same flowers, colors, textures, etc. The more flowers the merrier
Gender Neutral Alternative:
Both of you get bouquets or floral arrangements of your choice!
6. Wedding Rings
The original meaning behind the exchange of wedding rings depends on the culture, but in ancient Rome, it symbolized the ownership of the bride by the groom. In other cultures, the circle shape represented an eternal commitment with no beginning and no end! Nowadays, they’re closer to the latter – more of a symbolic promise of the couple’s vows to each other.
The great thing about modern wedding rings is that, if you choose to exchange them, you can pretty much let them symbolize whatever you want them to! Any sort of promise, vow, or shared journey that you want to honor. Orrrr you can scrap the whole idea, and do something else to represent your commitment: maybe that’s an exchange of another piece of jewelry, or maybe it’s a unity ceremony such as handfasting.
Gender Neutral Alternatives:
— Exchange a different piece of jewelry
— Incorporate a unity ceremony to represent your commitment
— Remove the need for a physical symbol of your marriage, and let your vows do all the talking!
7. Bridesmaids/Groomsmen
The origins of this one are probably the wildest of them all so far! The concept of bridesmaids and groomsmen wasn’t originally created so you could have your BFFs by your side as you tied the knot… no, it actually started as a means of protection against evil spirits. Bridesmaids and groomsmen would dress like the bride and groom to confuse any jealous spirits who might try and get in the way of the marriage! Insane, right?
Nowadays, this tradition has become more of a way to support the couple leading up to & on the big day. But it’s can be pretty exclusionary, as the term “Bridesmaids” assumes that one partner is a bride, with her “maids” by her side (bridesmaids literally used to be the bride’s maids back in Biblical times!), and “Groomsmen” assumes that the other is a groom, with a best “man” by his side. If these terms don’t feel right to you and/or your people, but you still like the concept of having this support system, there are plenty of ways to get creative (and much more inclusive) with the terminology! Modern couples often mix genders, combine their groups into one big party, or forgo the whole thing entirely.
Gender Neutral Alternatives:
— Wedding party
— Wedding crew
— Wedding people
— Wedding squad
8. Walking Down the Aisle
I’m sure you’re familiar with the ancient concept of “transferring ownership” by now… we’re not done with it yet (unfortunately). Brides used to walk down the aisle to their groom with their father so that, once they were at the altar, the father could “transfer” his daughter over to the groom. This is also why officiants traditionally ask that awkward “who gives this bride away?” question. Now it’s become more of a symbolic gesture, but it’s still there. Not all couples want to walk down the aisle with a parent, or have that outdated transactional element be a part of it – and it can also feel exclusionary to people who may not have a relationship with the assumed parent who would play that role. But don’t worry, there are so many other ways you can get down the aisle to your partner that don’t involve any figurative “ownership” whatsoever!
Gender Neutral Alternatives:
— Invite an important loved one to walk you down the aisle (could be a family member, friend, anyone!)
— Invite both parents to walk you down the aisle instead of just one
— Walk down the aisle on your own
— Walk down the aisle with your pet
— Walk down the aisle together!
9. Flower Girls
Flower girls originated in upper class Greek and Roman families, but actually started out as women who already had children, symbolizing hopes of fertility and prosperity (again). Eventually, in the 16th-17th centuries, flower girls became a symbol of innocence, hope, and children the way they were culturally idealized. If you’re not having any guests at your elopement, feel free to just ignore this one altogether . But if you do want someone to toss flower petals down your aisle, you could invite a flower “child” or have one of your adult besties do it instead. Let them have a blast with it – they could incorporate their personality into it, dance around to a good song, or make it entertaining to guests as they wait for the ceremony to start!
Gender Neutral Alternative:
Have a flower “child” or adult throw the petals instead!
10. Traditional Wedding Vows
Traditional wedding vows (especially American ones) used to – and still do to this day – reflect property law and Christian doctrine fairly heavily. If this isn’t your thing, take the reins and write your own vows! They’ll honestly be SO much more intimate, special, and heartfelt to the two of you than the conventional, generic, “repeat-after-me” vows would ever be.
Gender Neutral Alternative:
Write your own personalized vows, or find a gender neutral/secular vow structure to follow
11. Gendered Ceremony Scripts
Just like the traditional vows, ceremony scripts are also inherently super gendered. Aaand so are the phrases officiants usually say throughout the ceremony, and at the end – e.g. “Introducing Mr. & Mrs. (insert man’s last name)!” or “You may now kiss the bride!”
To make your ceremony script less gendered, ask your officiant to use your preferred pronouns and inclusive language throughout. There are tons of amazing officiants out there who create really meaningful, personalized ceremony scripts for queer, secular, or heteronormative couples who don’t identify with the traditional ones rooted in religion and husband/wife terminology.
Gender Neutral Alternatives:
— “I now pronounce you married”
— “You may now kiss your partner”
— “Introducing/Welcome the newlyweds!”
12. Garter/Bouquet Toss
Ahhh the good old garter toss, aka the tradition that makes EVERYONE feel a little uncomfortable (looking at you, grandpa). You might be surprised to hear, though, that BOTH the bride and the groom actually used to wear garters to hold their stockings up – so the garter toss started as a way to “disrobe” them so their marriage could be consummated! It also traces back to fertility beliefs, as well as the belief that the physical token of the garter was thought to bring luck to whoever caught it.
Juuust like the bouquet toss. *cue Single Ladies by Beyoncé*
In early European weddings, it was believed that physical contact with the bride (or her bouquet) was good luck. The bouquet toss eventually evolved in America to a tradition predicting which single woman would get married next, in the same way the garter toss would for the men.
If you’re not a fan of the weird symbolism behind these ones, I don’t blame you. Maybe just skip ‘em all together and find a more fun & less awkward activity to do with your guests during your reception!
13. Father-Daughter Dance
Finally, the father-daughter dance at the beginning of the night. This started as somewhat of a “final demand” by the father to the bride, before her husband became the most important man in her life. Yikes! Parent dances have become a common custom now as a way to honor family relationships and show gratitude, but they can be difficult for couples who don’t identify with gender norms OR have the desire to dance with the traditionally assigned parent (fathers & daughters, mothers & sons).
Butttt if you loe the idea of dancing individually with your fav people, you could easily set up any kind of dance with ANYBODY you want! Your bestie, your grandpa, your cousin, your sibling, a first dance with your partner… or you could abandon the tradition altogether and move onto the group dance floor sesh.
Gender Neutral Alternatives:
— “Special Dances” with loved ones (family, friends, whoever)
— Smaller group dances
— Only have a first dance for you two
Phew! That was a LOT of outdated wedding traditions to get through. I hope this showed you examples of the many ways you can personalize your wedding traditions to fit your unique relationship, without gender norms, patriarchal beliefs, or heteronormative expectations getting in the way.
If you’re looking for some more resources to help you plan your special day, you HAVE to check out my blog – it’s packed full of info and inspo that I know you’ll love. And when you’re ready to hire a photographer to capture your wedding – no matter what traditions you decide to include, exclude, or adapt – I’m your girl. Contact me here and give me allll the deetz of what you’re dreaming up!!
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